ID: Arielle, a white trans woman with purple hair, lies in a hospital bed hooked up to several machines.]

A Bottom Surgery Chronicle: All My Dysphoric + Euphoric Musings on Vaginoplasty, 2019-Present

Cheers, queers. It’s August, and I haven’t written anything on here since January. I’ve decided to forego shame about that because, well, have you seen what’s going on in the world?! *gestures wildly at everything around me* Pandemic + irreversible climate change aren’t exactly major sources of inspiration lol 

So in lieu of creating any new content (have y’all ever tried to fake inspiration? It’s a fucking mess, y’all!), here is a copypasta of all the posts I’ve written on IG about bottom surgery. I figured it would be helpful to have all of this in one place, so trans girls digging around on the internet for first-hand accounts of having Robotic Penile Inversion Vaginoplasty (yes, you read that correctly, I’m a goddamn cyborg!!!!!) might find it + find some comfort in knowing that (spoilers!) it all works out in the end.

I also want to link a few posts I’ve written on here about it, where I go more into depth. The two main ones are You’re “Really Trans” Now: Congrats on the New Vagina and 4 Months to Bottom Surgery: On Gaslighting, Agonizing Self-Doubt, & an Eye-opening Therapy Session.

I also want to recognize my immense privilege in having access to bottom surgery. For many reasons, bottom surgery (as well as just about every other step in transition) are fundamentally inaccessible to many people. Donate to trans peoples’ fundraisers, y’all (especially to Black and Brown trans folks, whose fundraisers often receive overwhelmingly fewer donations because racism)

Before Bottom Surgery

July 29, 2019

I got my final letter for bottom surgery this morning & celebrated in my happy place with the people who fill up my soul.

August 13, 2019

Today is a day that I’ll never forget. Today was my first consultation for Gender Confirmation Surgery or “bottom surgery.”

For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. I had no words to explain WHY I felt the way that I did — just a general sense of feeling out of place and never quite at home in my own skin. I dreamed of having a vagina from the moment I learned that boys and girls had different parts, but I didn’t understand why I dreamt of this, and never in a million years did I imagine that having one could be a possibility.

When I was 12 years old, I learned that transgender people existed for the very first time, and my whole world exploded with unspeakable possibilities. But when I learned how trans people were often treated in society, I retreated back into myself. The next 5 years of ignoring my transness eventually gave way to shy 3 AM Google searches of “Can transgender women be pretty?” and “Can transgender women have sex?,” with random spatterings of kind-of but definitely-maybe-kind-of-not coming out as “maybe trans” to a few of my friends. Though it was still in high school that I admitted to myself and others that I was transgender, I spent years feeling too paralyzed to begin my transition.

Today, almost exactly 4 years after coming out, I finally had my first consultation for bottom surgery. For me, this is likely the final major transitional step that I will take, but please recognize that every trans person’s experience is different. What “completes” my transition might not make somebody else feel that way about their transition, and vice versa.

I am both over the moon with excitement and shaken with terror at what the next two years will bring, but I know that I am prepared to handle anything and everything that this incredible journey throws my way.

Come visit me and my Brand New Pussy™️(thank u @shakeenz for this iconic addition to the incredibly small canon of trans musical theatre anthems), coming to a hospital near you by December 2020!*

*My surgery date was later updated to April 15,  2021

Doubts — “maybe no”

September 27, 2020

Bottom surgery is not always an easy decision, y’all!

Well, maybe for some people, it is. Maybe some people are totally confident that they want it, and have the financial means to afford it.

But it hasn’t been easy for me.

For starters, surgeries come with a hefty dollar tag, thus making many gender-affirming surgeries largely inaccessible to poor and low income trans folks. Even as a trans person with relative financial privilege, I’m still super uncertain about how I’m going to cover costs.

And let’s not forget that this is still pretty major surgery, with ample recovery time. Even when the results are great, there are still plenty of concerns afterwards (loss of depth over time, inability to reach/difficulty reaching orgasm, etc.)

Since coming out, I’ve repeatedly received the message that bottom surgery is just a natural part of transition. This👏is👏a👏lie, but it’s one that’s reinforced by society and media constantly.

Currently, my surgery is scheduled for April 15, 2021 (just over 6 months from now). If you’ve been following my stories, you’ve seen that I’m back and forth about whether I want to go through with it.

A few months ago, I came to the conclusion that my main motivation for surgery was conforming to others’ expectations of me. I felt like I could really be fine without it, and that the only thing surgery would accomplish is making my already difficult-to-navigate body increasingly challenging to understand. Until a few weeks ago, I had essentially decided to cancel it.

Then, about two week ago, I had a really bad bout of bottom dysphoria, and I decided my surgery is back on! I even scheduled pre-operative electrolysis and got in touch with my insurance. Right now, this feels like the right move. But who’s to say how I’ll feel tomorrow.

All this to say two things:

1) @ cis people, please stop imposing your transition timeline and expectations onto trans people. Gender transition is not “one size fits all.”

2) @ trans people, your identity is valid, whether or not you want surgery! Your body, your choice.

December 2, 2020

Brace yourself for another “do I actually want bottom surgery” post

I’ve been really really struggling with this decision, y’all.

For years, I fantasized about being AFAB. As a child, I would often sit on the toilet with my penis tucked between my legs, imagining how it would feel to be a girl.

When I began to research bottom surgery, I was *ecstatic* to learn that it was possible for my body to one day look, work, and feel very similarly to that of a cis woman. Although I knew it would be an ordeal, I was confident that I wanted this.

Fast forward to a year on hormones, when gatekeep-y insurance companies decide that you’re finally “trans enough” to be a candidate for gender-affirming surgeries. Suddenly, I’m unsure. I wonder if I could somehow learn to be happy with my body the way it is.

Two years pass, and I decide that although I could probably be happy without surgery, I’d definitely be happier having had it. I schedule a consultation.

As my surgery date now approaches, I’m having second thoughts. Whenever I even think about it, I am overcome with anxiety.

People keep telling me to trust my gut. Problem is that my gut has been playing the most frenetic game of tug-o-war with my brain.

It’s forever vacillating between, a) don’t do this, what if it’s a mistake, and b) you’ve wanted this forever, you’re just getting cold feet.

I can’t seem to discern my own attitude toward my body from society’s – do I want surgery for myself? Or simply because I feel my life will be easier, that I’ll be treated more kindly, that I’ll endure less frequent transmisogyny?

At my mother’s urging, I recently went back to my old therapist so I can finally begin to understand what I want. No matter what, though, I know this is going to be a difficult decision.

And although I am very much struggling, a few self-affirmations are getting me through:

1) I don’t have to decide right now. I can delay my surgery indefinitely, if needed.

2) I’ll be okay, no matter what I decide.

3) My identity is valid, no matter what.

Would love support in the form of verbal affirmations, WAP GIFs, and cute pets.

December 5, 2020

How often do we get to see moments of trans joy? Of trans peace? Of trans prosperity?

I had a huge breakthrough in therapy yesterday and I feel as if a weight’s been lifted off my chest. And though it’s replaced by new fears and challenges to endure, I’m allowing myself a few moments of respite — a few days of trans joy — to celebrate myself, how far I’ve come, and the beautiful journey ahead of me.

I’ll be sharing updates here about my journey to bottom surgery.

My hope is that, by sharing these profoundly intimate, personal, and vulnerable moments of my journey, I can help illuminate a topic that’s most often discussed behind closed doors.

I want cis people to see that while bottom surgery could very well be a part of my journey, it’s not a “natural part of transition” or a “logical next step,” as our cisnormative society likes to tell us. It is not an easy decision to come to, and it’s not one that every trans person wants or is able to have.

I want trans people to know that if you are having doubts, or fears, or heck, even if you think you might kind of mourn the loss of your old parts — you are not alone. You are valid. I see you. I understand you. And I am here for you, just as so many of you have been here for me.

More doubts, but “Probably yes”

December 24, 2020

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT RE: BOTTOM SURGERY :))))

So much of what I try to do through my social media is just show y’all examples of me living my everyday life. It’s rare for trans people to have agency over how our stories are told, and although social media has a LOT of downsides, it’s one way that many trans and gender non-conforming people have found to just share about…us.

One aspect of trans existence that often gets overlooked, especially by cisgender creators, is trans joy. People are so focused on the pains and fears of being trans — the harassment, the violence, the never-ending medical headache — that they don’t always stop to consider the moments of pure happiness.

That’s not to say all those stories aren’t important — it’s crucial for cis folks to know something of our struggles, so they can learn how best to support us. It just doesn’t show the whole story.

I personally spend a lot of time sharing about my struggles, but today I’m sharing with you about one huge source of trans joy.

A number of y’all reached out a few weeks ago when I posted about my uncertainty re: bottom surgery. During that time, I had just returned to therapy to try to determine what exactly I want.

Over the past month, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect…and…

I AM GOING THRU WITH BOTTOM SURGERY🏳️‍⚧️✨(almost definitely…)

My surgery date is April 15, so I’ll be back in NJ on March 31 to quarantine! I’ll be there thru at least 5/15. Come visit me while I recover💕✨

Coming to this decision has NOT been easy, but I feel wholly confident about it for the first time ever. A huge thank you to everyone who came along for this hugely emotional ride with me. I love you all💕

I’m currently drafting a blog post to further expand on this decision — if you’d like to check it out, head on over to Trans and Caffeinated.

January 5, 2021

Hi hello I officially have double-digit days until bottom surgery😱 Swipe to see my 3 moods🤷🏼‍♀️

Wow wow wow wow wow. As you’ve probably discerned from my past social media posts, I have a lot of mixed emotions about this!!!

But yeah so 99 DAYS WOW. This felt like a far-off/impossible dream for so so many years, and now that it’s almost here, it feels both SUPER real yet totally surreal. Yet another dichotomy to tackle lol

No profound revelations about trans existence today, just a whole lotta “wow 99 days feels so much closer than 101 days,” mind-racing kind of stuff🤗

These next few months of my life might be kind of tough, but the conclusion will be oh-so-sweet! Stay tuned for a special edition podcast episode called “I went to NYU Langone and All I Got Was This Brand New Vagina.”

Week Before Bottom Surgery

April 8, 2021

It’s officially ONE WEEK until my bottom surgery, and I’m feeling closer and closer to reaching peace with my decision.

(CW: bottom surgery, genital mention)

It’s been a pretty emotional volatile time. My cycles of “I’m cancelling/I’m going through with surgery” keep getting shorter and shorter.

Lots of people have said that if I’m uncertain, I should just delay… if I’m uncertain, I should take time to find the answer.

I’ve spent the last 8 years actively considering bottom surgery, the past 20+ years dreaming of how it would feel to have a vagina. I’ve considered this decision from every possible angle, considered it 1000 different ways 1000 different times. How much more could I possibly think this through? What haven’t I thought of yet?

People love to act like this decision is easy — but I’ve realized that I could probably be happy with or without having surgery.

This realization is hugely terrifying because it is hugely uncertain — there truly is no “right answer,” or “best option,” just MY answer and the option I choose.

I may go back and forth 10000 more times before next Thursday. I could spend another two or five or ten years agonizing over this choice, or I could take a leap into faith — and trust that little baby Arielle knew what she wanted, up until the world made this decision feel so much more complicated than it has to be.

Little Arielle knew her truth — and as an adult, I’ve never regretted a single step I’ve taken in my transition… my only regret was not having transitioned sooner.

Leaning extra heavy into my child self today, and trying to remember all of the beautiful possibilities she saw for herself before the world tried to take that away.

After Bottom Surgery

SNIP SNIP BOTTOM SURGERY DAY!!!!!!!!!

April 15, 2021

​​The day little baby Arielle dreamed of, crying alone under her covers in the dead of night — it finally came❤️

(CW: Genital mention, surgery)

In the words of Shakina Nayfack in Manifest Pussy (which I watched at 3 AM last night to psych me up for surgery) — ✨I’VE GOT A BRAND NEW PUSSY✨

Grateful to my transcestors for paving the path, and to my community for lighting the way forward

Bottom Surgery Recovery in Jersey City

April 18, 2021

CW: Genital mention, surgery implied

Every time the nurse says “your vagina” I’m like “oh right, I have one of those now”

(yes, it hurts a lot)

April 21, 2021

Bottom surgery update #3!!

(CW: genital mention, opioids/OD mention, surgery, generally graphic medical stuff)

This is my pretty perpetual state right now — lying in bed in a hoodie, smiling thru the pain bc I know the pay-off will be everything I dreamed.

Dilation is rough. NGL. I get myself thru it w deep breathing and trying to loosen my muscles, which is also difficult lol

My catheter is still in bc I couldn’t pee properly (it’s significantly different peeing as a vulva-owner!!!!) and tbh this is likely the source of a decent amount of my pain

I’m trying take as little Oxy as possible bc I have just heard of so many people getting hooked + later ODing. With my history of mental illness, I’m trying to mediate this risk as best I can (I’m only taking it when I 10000% need it, no more than 1x per day most days!)

All that being said, my recovery is going more-or-less super smoothly and my caregiver so so good and wonderful. I am so very grateful❤️

Thanks to all those who have been checking in on me, sending food and little care packages. Y’all are the absolute sweetest!!!!

April 22, 2021

Bottom surgery update #4

(CW: surgery, UTI mention, genitals, poop, opioids)

My face when I go “I think I have a UTI” and my doctor (via text, without examining) says “it’s probably just bladder spasms

➡️

my face when they finally believe me, 30 hours of pain later, and prescribe me something

➡️

my face when I realize that I STILL HAVE A UTI regardless of whether or not they believe me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway today is kinda miserable pain-wise but my mental health is in a surprisingly ok spot given everything!!!!!!! 5 days til I get this fucking catheter out

Also maybe today will finally be the day I poop (I am constipated from Oxy and bc I had abdominal surgery, I can’t “push”)

April 24, 2021

POV: you’re watching me dilate ➡️ you’re watching me recover from it afterwards

CW: vaginal dilation, bottom surgery, general medical grossness

Let’s talk about dilation!

Dilation is the most critical aspect of vaginoplasty aftercare.

Even though it is namely NOT a wound, my body is interpreting my new vagina as an injury — thus, it is my job to stop my body from filling in the new cavity in my pelvis w new flesh!

So— four times a day, for 15 minutes, I have to hold a medical-grade dildo inside my vagina to prevent it from closing up. Over time, I’ll be using “dilators” of increasing size.

Right now, my vagina is still SUPER tender, so dilation hurts a whole lot — especially afterwards! And it’s also super exhausting, because I’m putting sustained internal pressure in my pelvis for 15 minutes while managing my pain w deep breathing. As my body heals, dilation will become significantly less painful and exhausting.

Dilation becomes less and less frequent over time, and after a while I’m just dilating 1-3 times per week… but it is something I’ll have to do for the rest of my life.

I am so so grateful to have been able to have this surgery. But damn this healing is no joke.

April 25, 2021

Let’s talk about phantom pain post-bottom surgery!!!!! Bc WOW this is weird🤦‍♀️

CW: bottom surgery, phantom pain, genital mention, general medical stuff

Yesterday, after running out of a med that apparently helps with phantom pain, I starter having the WEIRDEST sensation

~Phantom penis pain~

My brain is currently in the process of mentally remapping my body — at present, my brain feels like it’s trying to tell me that my penis is “trapped” inside my body and is trying to break free. Prior to surgery, I had a lot of damaged erectile tissue from tucking — this sensation feels like a more intense version of the pain I used to have during erections.

It’s pretty painful, but it’s also a WEIRD sensation — because obviously, I no longer have a penis!!!

Surprisingly, dilation actually helps to mediate this pain. And also, looking at my vagina in the mirror has been really helpful — it’s a way of manually telling my brain “hey, this is what your genitals look like now.”

Right now, I’m just trying to take each day as it comes — because wow, each day is truly a wild new adventure right now lol

Stay tuned for all my post-op stories and tales. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to share as time goes on✨

April 27, 2021

Today was my first bottom surgery follow-up visit, and it was… really rough for me

CW: medical trauma, sexual trauma, bottom surgery, various medical stuff

As a trans feminine person, I’ve lost count of the number of doctors who have traumatized me in one way or another. Healthcare is pretty broken in general, but it’s especially broken for marginalized folks (particularly for BIWOC, Black folks, and trans folks/trans feminine folks more specifically… just to name a few)

Sometimes it’s doctors not believing me about my experiences or my body… other times, they touch my body without my consent, or without washing hands… in my recent hospital stay, a doctor removed my vaginal packing WITHOUT CONSENT and WITHOUT WASHING HIS GROSS FUCKING HANDS.

Couple this with a boatload of sexual trauma, and it’s been exceptionally hard for me to get through my post-op care. There are so many different times that doctors need to touch my vagina + vulva, usually in ways that also cause me a lot of pain. When they touch me, I enter panic mode almost immediately — crying, shaking, my whole body vibrating with that “this isn’t okay” trauma response.

Today, they had to use a speculum to check inside my vagina… they also had to clean my vulva (using what felt like an abrasive, though I know it probably technically was not). Then, they removed a few of my sutures that were poking out of my body. I was shaking and crying the entire time.

I urge you all to take note of this — particularly healthcare professionals — people need you to be sensitive to their trauma, and it’s your job to listen to + believe people, and treat them with dignity. It is literally the least we can do for each other.

And it’s vital to learn how to deliver trauma-informed care, so you yourself are not causing or perpetuating trauma. This should be a priority for all healthcare professionals✌🏼

April 29, 2021

Yesterday was the first day in WEEKS that I felt somewhat like myself❤️

CW: genitals, bottom surgery, medical stuff

Today marks two weeks post-op, which is when people said recovery generally start to feel easier.

Not only that, but my phantom pain is beginning to fade — and my suture pain is popping up less frequently!

I also now have a steroid cream, which has decreased the inflammation in my labia majora + groin crease (which has made it super difficult to walk up until now)

Yesterday, I was able to grab myself food from the kitchen multiple times — I also walked around the apartment a bunch, dilated without assistance for the very first time, and just generally felt a lot happier!

The doctors also say that I’m healing super well, and it certainly feels true! I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m on my way. I was even able to massage my labia (it helps reduce swelling/heal scar tissue) with minimal discomfort!

AND I found my clitoris (a truly difficult feat, as some of you may know — especially with swelling!!)

All in all, a very good day❤️

I’m so excited for what these next months and years hold for me — and so excited to take on the world with my newly installed vagina

Enjoy my super cute mesh hospital undies in celebration

April 30, 2021

We have finally reached the “cute mirror selfies” stage of my bottom surgery recovery🏳️‍⚧️

CW: genitals, bottom surgery

I feel like I’ve really turned a corner w my recovery! I have a lil skip back in my step, and I’m able to move around way more easily. I’m even able to sit upright on the couch and in my bed!

The biggest source of discomfort today: my clitoris has ~awoken~ and it is INTENSE. Basically, the metaphorical floodgates to the nerves in my clit have been opened, and I have this totally constant and overwhelming tingling sensation that won’t go away!!!!! It’s really annoying lol halp

But my pain is pretty minimal (thank god), and way more manageable than even a few days ago.

AND I get to go back to Chicago in six days! Home sweet home❤️

Bottom Surgery Recovery cont’d — Back in Chicago

May 8, 2021

Being back at my home in Chicago is SUCH a huge relief, wow

The moment our car passed beneath the “Welcome to Chicago” sign on Wednesday evening, tears began to roll down my face:

Happy tears, because I am overjoyed to once again be surrounded by the people, places, and things that feel like home.

Tears of pain, because 15 hours in a moving vehicle did a number on my post-op body and increased my inflammation by a ton. Ouchie!

Tears of sorrow, because while my trip to the east coast was marked by a beautiful new beginning, it also began with a profound loss.

I put a lot of my emotions on hold while I was in NJ because I needed to focus solely on my recovery. It feels like my brain just knew it was officially safe to feel things again, and the floodgates opened the moment I rolled back into town.

This week, I reached a huge turning point in my recovery: I’m finally able to move around with relative ease. I can make basic foods for myself, walk up and down the stairs to my apartment, and do basic tasks with minimal support.

I also realized that I had put my self-work on hold this past year as I prepared for bottom surgery, and I took the leap to enroll myself in a (minimum) six month DBT program here in Chicago in order to take back control of my life + have a more positive impact on those around me.

This is going to be a year of rebirth, and a year of massive growth. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.

“New vagina, new me” feels super tacky haha, but it’s this silly mantra that’s been popping into my brainhole over the past few weeks as I prepare for this exciting new chapter.

I’m sure I’ll be sharing what I learn both here + on Trans and Caffeinated, so stay tuned for frequent updates! As always, I am so eternally grateful for everyone’s love and support as I work to become the best version of myself.

Gender Euphoria 🙂

May 19, 2021

I’ve been dreaming of this moment for the better part of 20 years👙 BBS FIRST BIKINI!!!!

CW: genital + bottom surgery mentions

(And @_stephaniesara made it happen! i tagged u right on my hooey as a thank u)

Growing up, I felt out of place in bathing suits. I was always super uncomfortable with my nipples showing so I often wore swimshirts, especially when I got into my teenage years.

When I transitioned, I stopped swimming altogether out of fear that the little bulge in my shorts would tip strangers off to my penis-ownership

And I never DARED even purchase a bikini — no, that was a luxury withheld for those more… erm… vaginated? than myself.

But today, my very first bikini showed up in the mail (“there’s a present for you outside”-Stephanie, at like noon), and you KNOW this leaky-eyed Pisces queer was CRYING tears of joy❤️

Honestly, on my list of “here’s what I’m looking forward to post-op,” bikini-wearing ranked even higher than sex (only slightly!!!! But as many of you know, my libido is like… basically zero)

Here’s to years and years of gender euphoria, made possible by the scalpels at NYU Langone🔪 snip snip, yk?

May 22, 2021

Finally getting some TIME IN THE SUN TODAY :))))) ☀️

CW: bottom surgery, medical stuff

It’s been super challenging trying to make time to do anythinggggggg between rounds of aftercare.

Adding together the time it takes to do 4x per day dilation, sitting on ice, and physical therapy exercises, my surgery aftercare takes at a MINIMUM four hours per day. That’s fucking wild!!!!!!

Logistically, this usually leaves about 2.5 hours of actual free time between clean up from one round + setting up for the next — and maybe this sounds like a good amount of time, but in Recovering Body time, this is surprisingly little!!!!!

I’ve been telling myself for several days that I need to get myself outside and into the sun, and today I finally made it happen!!!!

This Thursday marks six weeks post-op, which is supposedly a major milestone. Most of my swelling has gone away, and it will continue to decrease thru the first 3-6 months. I also go down to 3x per day dilation, which feels significantly more manageable than 4x

I’ve been struggling a lot with the lack of independence in recovery — I still can’t fully cook for myself, I need help lifting heavy items, etc. I feel significantly more independent than the first few weeks post-op, but it’s definitely still a challenge

I’m looking forward to life feeling increasingly more manageable over the coming weeks and months. Here’s to a fabulous summer ☀️

June 5, 2021 

At 26 years old, I’m wearing a bikini at my happy place for the very first time👙 I’m so happy I could cry❤️

Soaking in each moment of gender euphoria as I continue to heal. It still doesn’t feel real.

June 10, 2021

When I first had bottom surgery 8 weeks ago, I was in a non-stop pain crisis. I tried a lot of different methods of pain management, and I just wanted to give a shoutout to this sweet lil company that came through for me in my time of need! Any other CBD lovers out there?!✌🏼

This lil bottle of @greenriverbotanicals CBD oil helped to take the edge off my pain in a really difficult time. Each ounce contains 1500mg CBD, which is a natural anti-inflammatory and pain reliever (I, of course, was taking … a lot of ounces of CBD per day after surgery lol)

Dealing with constant pain is no joke!!!! My pain is 1000000% more manageable now than it was eight weeks ago, but I still have this constant dull ache on/around my labia that feels never-ending! Pain makes it hard to focus + just constantly puts a damper on my mood… So naturally, I super appreciate anything that’ll give me any amount of pain relief

Anyways, I definitely encourage y’all to pick up a bottle of this CBD oil (even if you’re not getting your peen sliced off your body!!!!!!!!!! Tbh I’m never planning to get my peen sliced off ever again, but I will still always enjoy CBD)

Arielle, a white trans woman with purple hair, displaying a bottle of CBD oil she used while recovering from bottom surgery.

June 16, 2021

2 months post-op means I’m finally allowed to go into the water again, so if you don’t want bikini pics all over your feed, you should probably unfollow me now👙

(At 3 months, I can…. Well, you know… but I ~probably~ won’t be posting those pics publicly………..)

June 23, 2021

Am water baby🥺♓️ will be splashing around in the ocean until further notice 🌊 splish splash bikini, yk?

I thought the euphoria of wearing a bikini would start to fade over time, but instead it burns inside me with more fervor each day🔥

August 13, 2021

It has been the 🔥HOTTEST🔥 of Hot Trans Summers, y’all! Ya know why??? Because it’s my first summer as a vulva+vagina owner!

(TW: self harm scars in second image)

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months exploring what makes my *updated* body feel pleasure—and also what doesn’t!

I’ve (unsurprisingly) noticed a lot of similarities between the ways my body experienced pleasure prior to surgery and the way it experiences pleasure now. For example, my shaft was never very sensitive—therefore, as it’s made of the same tissue, the inside of my vagina is also not very sensitive! But the tip of my penis was *super* sensitive, and therefore so is my clitoris.

Also unsurprisingly, there are a whole lot of differences! For starters, I have a brand new orifice that wasn’t there before! And I don’t have to worry about erections (booo)!!!! I also have a much broader pleasure “arc” than ever before. For all of these reasons and more, I’ve been much more satisfied with the way I experience pleasure now vs a few months ago—especially the sheer euphoria of that O!💦

Over the past few months, I’ve explored everything from new sex toys, to clitoral stim gel, to this @foriawellness Awaken Arousal Oil~

And y’all—this stuff 👏is👏it! As many of you know, I struggle with an anxiety disorder—and I hold a *ton* of tension in my body, particularly when my anxiety is heightened.

If you, like myself, struggle with releasing tension from your body during masturbation and sex, I strongly encourage you to try out this CBD-infused arousal oil! It’s been just what I’ve needed to loosen up in order to have more satisfying sexual experiences, both with myself and with partners

2 thoughts on “A Bottom Surgery Chronicle: All My Dysphoric + Euphoric Musings on Vaginoplasty, 2019-Present”

  1. My original attempts at getting meta (one form of bottom surgery for trans men) failed because of a medical contraindication caused by my histo, and a follow up with secondary opinion had both surgeons say I was no longer a candidate for it. The other major surgery trans men can opt for, I am hesitant to do because a 60-75% chance of something going wrong (usually a fissure) requiring more time off to heal, is not something I can afford, even though the state I live in allows me to qualify for FLMA and long term disability while I recover. (I also have an employer healthcare plan that covers bottom surgery, but the amount of money I have to save up for to live off of while healing…I’d rather be living the other 90% of my life and play catch-up, than keep saving and pushing major milestones off.) There’s also the thing that because of all the techniques, all the graft sites that have their advantages and disadvantages—the fact what I will end up with is essentially a hanging meat-sack that I may still have to end up sitting to relieve myself after it heals?! I’ll wait till transplants reach the human testing stage and hunt like mad crazy to make myself a guinea pig. Finding a lot of other trans men who have been in my situation, and learning how to reframe my perception to live with things, has helped. Yes, occasionally I still get phantom limb sensations down there (my body still thinks it has a ding-dong instead of a ho-ho), and the accompanying dysphoria because of what I lack, and I make jokes about it having “a double dose of Napoleon syndrome” or reminding short cis men “at least you’re not short on both ends!”

    I mean, the upside is I don’t have to worry as much about being struck down there because of sports, or working around machinery and running into things (common occurrence at work, somehow I can automatically sympathize with that guy!), and when I see someone who’s hot I don’t have to worry about things popping out.

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